Five on Friday: I'm back!

Hello friends! I didn't intentionally take a blogging hiatus this summer, but that's what happened. I got busy (poor excuse, I know). I wish I could say it was because of all the great trips we've been taking or all the crazy fun we've been having, but it was more due to work than anything else. And no one wants to write or read about work. Moving on...

The point is, it feels nice to write again and read your posts again. Looking forward to catching up with everyone!

One. 

Last week was our 4th anniversary! My how time flies. I am so incredibly lucky to have this man by my side through good times and bad, literally in sickness and in health. The last 4 years have been the best yet - and I know it's only going to get better!

Two. 

The traditional 4th anniversary gift is fruit or flowers. So I got us (uh, I mean I got Alex) Apple TV! Guys, why didn't we have this sooner?? Life changing, I tell you. After only having a digital antenna for the last two years, being able to sign into A's parents' cable account and watch live sports and shows ON A TV is amazing. No more crowding around the iPad!

Three. 

This week I got hooked on Unreal (thanks to that handy Apple TV contraption). If you haven't seen it, it's a must watch for Bachelor fans! It's about a Bachelor-like show but it's shown from the crew's POV - including all the manipulation they do to the contestants and story line. It's really entertaining: Lifetime brought their A-game with this one.

Four. 

Look at the progress my little garden has made since I planted it in April! I've only lost one plant (the cilantro) and everything else is doing really well. I even have a few blooms on my tomato plants, so I might actually grow a tomato! *happy dance*  Plus, the fig tree nearby (for which I can take absolutely no credit) is bursting with almost-ripe figgies. Yay for backyard produce!

Five. 

Life is good, friends. I'm feeling happy and optimistic these days! And I'm celebrating SIX MONTHS of being gluten-free and I'm feeling the best I've felt in a LONG time! So thankful that this experiment has seemingly kept me healthy and Crohn's-flare-free since January. Praise the Lord!

Have a fabulous weekend. Soak up some sun (but don't forget the sunscreen).
xo
KH

Linking up with

 April, Christina, Natasha and Darci! 

My decision to go without gluten: Day One

I'll be the first to admit that I think cutting out any whole food group sounds ridiculous. I firmly believe that the things we consider part of our food supply were put on this earth for our nourishment...and enjoyment. One of the best things in life is a good meal.

I've been perplexed by the gluten-free trend since I first heard of it. The whole gluten-free thing has been gaining traction for a few years and I've continued to think, WHY would anyone willingly go without cupcakes, bread and pasta?? (Unless they have to for allergy reasons). And aren't whole grains supposed to be good for you?? Then I started hearing - from people I know and trust - how removing gluten from your diet can make you feel better, help digestive issues, reduce swelling in joints, and make you less mentally "foggy." And the more research I've done, the more I've come to understand that gluten is linked to many autoimmune diseases, including Crohn's Disease. Huh.

So I'm here today to say that I am joining the growing number of people who have given up gluten in hopes that it will change my life. Gosh, I hope it does. 

I am actually really excited to start this experiment. After a terrible flare that lasted nearly two months and the constant fear that any old meal will make me sick, I'm willing to try anything. Even giving up cupcakes, bread and pasta - arguably three of my most favorite things on earth.

I've had a few weeks to mentally and otherwise prepare for this lifestyle change. I decided around Christmas time that I'd try it in the new year for 30 days - the length of time it might take to see if it's making a difference. This gave us (yep, hubby's joining me for this experiment!) time to enjoy our favorite foods containing gluten "one last time," clean out the pantry, read up on making the switch to gluten-free and stockpile gluten-free staples.

Left: pantry before the Gluten Purge of 2015
Right: what remains! 

I am so, so optimistic about this change. But I'm also scared out of my mind. What if it works and I'm stuck in a gluten-free diet for the rest of my life? What if I can never again carelessly eat off a buffet at a Super Bowl party or baby shower? You know what? It will be worth it. I pray this works and my biggest worry becomes how to perfect a gluten-free pizza crust rather than how I'm going to manage to get to work when I can't even keep food down due to Crohn's.

Have you tried gluten-free or are you currently living a gluten-free life? What are your favorite resources, recipes, tips and tricks? I would LOVE to hear your advice as I make this change for the next 30 days - and maybe forever.

Wish me luck!

xo
KH

Five on Friday: first full week of 2015!

I hope everyone has had a wonderful first week (and then some) of the new year! I went back to work on Monday after a full month off due to medical leave and then Christmas. It was by far the longest consecutive break I've had since I started working, and I'm still knocking the rust off. Still, it's good to be back in the swing of things and getting set in a new and improved routine. 

Here are 5 things that made me smile this week!

ONE. I started a 30-day yoga challenge (find it on YouTube here) and I'm LOVING it. I'm doing it first thing in the morning, as soon as I get up. The episodes are short (10-15 minutes each) and not too strenuous, but give me a good stretch and allow me to take a few minutes for myself each morning. 

TWO. The Lilly Pulitzer After Party Sale was this week! Although LP still hasn't figured out how to handle all the traffic to their site generated by their twice-a-year sale, at least the site didn't crash this year. I just bought one dress (for $49!!) to wear to my cousin's wedding in the spring, and at my local LP shop I bought a new phone case for $10. I was proud of myself for actually showing some restraint. 

THREE. In other LP news, I'm as excited as the next Southern girl about the Lilly for Target line coming in the spring! You better believe I have April 19 circled on my calendar. I'll have to stalk my local store that morning because I KNOW it will sell out fast. 

FOUR. My hubby turned 32 this week! We celebrated BIG TIME, y'all...by spending the morning in the endoscopy center! Yes, that's right: I made my husband take me to get an upper endoscopy and colonoscopy on his birthday (Happy Birthday, Alex - love, Crohn's) #youknowyoureoldandmarriedwhen 

But in my defense, I still managed to rally afterward and make him a huge batch of my signature chocolate-chip cookies and go with him to the Florida/South Carolina basketball game (where I wore orange and blue and he wore garnet and black, of course). My Gators won, but just barely!

FIVE. Speaking of Gators, I really enjoyed getting to see my boys in town this week and with a W, no less. Although I'm usually a faithful Gamecock wife, I can't deny my alma mater! Gator basketball is so fun to watch and I just adore Billy Donovan. We don't have the best team this year, but I still think we have a lot of potential. The season's just getting warmed up!

xo
KH

Linking up with

 April, Christina, Natasha and Darci! 

A year of loss

**WARNING: this is not a happy post. But it's true, it's very real and it's from my heart. I wanted to share because this is a topic that often goes un-shared, un-discussed and un-mentioned. Maybe you needed to read this today, for yourself or for a loved one. I hope it finds its way to someone who needs it. 

When Alex and I look back on 2014, I hope we think about our life in Columbia...maybe our vacations to Chicago or Pebble Beach...or that I turned 30. But I'm afraid we might think of 2014 as a year of loss.

The tidal wave of loss started in August. Alex's Mimi, who had been ill for some time with dementia and Parkinson's, left this world. We were saddened but knew it was coming, and when she died, we knew she was no longer suffering. In some ways, it was a bittersweet relief for we knew she was so much better off in heaven.

Then, a few weeks after she died, Alex's Papa (Mimi's husband and Alex's last living grandparent) found out he had untreatable, widespread cancer. He had not been overly sick - just weak (and brokenhearted), but the cancer diagnosis quelled his will to live and fight - and who could blame him? We lost Papa in September just 1 month and 1 day after Mimi passed. His death was more sudden and shocking: just like that, Alex's mom had lost both of her parents in 31 days and Alex had lost all of his grandparents.

October seemed to be going alright until my grandmother had her knee replaced at the ripe old age of 87. Now, not many folks elect to have total knee replacement at that age, but she wanted to - said she had a lot of things she wanted to do! The surgery went great, and she was healing wonderfully in rehab. Then, out of nowhere, she caught pneumonia while still in rehab. She was admitted to the hospital. Within two days, she was moved to ICU and had a mild heart attack due to the stress on her heart caused by her labored breathing. She died on Sunday, October 26. I was in shock. How could this happen? My Grandma was sharp as a tack, in great health and a reasonably young 87. I took the loss incredibly hard (and am still taking it hard): I was very close with her. We emailed (yes, emailed) on a regular basis. She called to chat about football games. I inherited a lot of my hallmark traits from her, like bargain shopping and organization. She was the first grandparent to lose, which just opened a fresh wound for me and a haunting realization that I'll have to go through this three more times for three people I'm equally close to. I still can't believe she's gone.

November came fast and brought with it a slew of activity, mostly work related. I'd started to have another Crohn's flare (the 3rd or 4th of the year), but I really didn't want to start prednisone again because, quite frankly, taking steroids is no fun at all and causes me to blow up like a balloon, have a ferocious appetite, and most importantly, jacks with the timing of ovulation. Yep, we've been trying to conceive for a year now so our world pretty much revolved around ovulation (fun times!!). I'd also started taking Clomid that cycle (which makes your body ovulate - my doc prescribed it because my progesterone was slightly low. Also, it's an excellent first line of defense if the horrid label of "infertility" is getting near as it's super cheap and easy). I didn't want to undo the hard work Clomid was doing by taking prednisone, so I asked my gastroenterologist for a milder med to treat the flare. I knew I was taking a risk that my flare could get worse, but I was bound and determined that nothing else was going to get in the way of having a baby.

With the grief from my grandmother's loss, the stress from work and the Crohn's flare, I knew November was a gonner for us in terms of conceiving. But God has a funny way of showing us just exactly how in control He is. I found out I was pregnant on Thursday, November 20 - at my OB-GYN's office! I was there because I *thought* I'd started my period, so I was going to get another round of Clomid. The nurse did a pregnancy test (just in case) and lo and behold, it was positive.

I was in SHOCK. I mean, shock I tell you. I had to wait ALL DAY LONG to tell Alex because I wanted to tell him in person that night after work. I surprised him with a gift - a little onesie and my positive pregnancy test - when he got home that night. You know that country song, "Laughed Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean, where he talks about trying so long they almost gave up hope and they find out they're pregnant and they laughed until the cried in the kitchen? That was us. Laughing, crying, looking in amazement at that positive test (actually, two tests - I'd taken another when I got home). We felt so blessed, so unbelievably grateful that I'd conceived after 11 months of disappointment.

SO HAPPY!

surprise!!!

girls, you're gonna be big sisters!

Just a week later was Thanksgiving, and A's parents were going to come to my mom and stepdad's cabin for the weekend. We knew that even though it was really early, it was the perfect time to tell them since they'd all be together (we FaceTimed my dad and stepmom, who were in Florida). And I could not keep a secret like that from my mom for long!

Right before Thanksgiving dinner, I told everyone we were going to  play the "What are you thankful for?" game and I'd placed a message in a little box for everyone to read aloud. Slowly, they began opening and reading the tiny pieces of paper: "I"m thankful to become a Grandmother!" and so forth. The reactions were priceless. Tears, laughter, hugs, handshakes. It was everything I ever hoped it would be. This would be the first grandbaby on both sides. Finally!

the place setting...holding a secret!

my mom's surprise

my brother and our parents with their notes! 

our family

A week later, I was 6 weeks pregnant and starting to feel the joys of pregnancy. Food aversions, extreme tiredness (not helped by giving up caffeine), and even a little nausea. Crohn's had continued to get worse and I was worried that it would hurt the baby, so my GI put me on 20mg of prednisone which had some risks to the fetus but my health was seen as more important. It wasn't helping, and my symptoms were getting worse.

A few days later, on a Saturday night, I started to bleed. Not much, but any time you see blood when you're pregnant, you naturally freak out. Then I started cramping: again, not horribly, but the combo was unsetting. We decided to go to the ER to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and for peace of mind.

After 6 awful hours in the ER (including an ultrasound that literally lasted one hour), there was no conclusion. The doctor said that they hadn't detected a heartbeat, but at 6 weeks along that was hit or miss. He said some women have bleeding and cramping and everything turns out fine, while others will eventually miscarry. There was really nothing to do but go home and rest.

The next Monday morning, I had my hcG levels tested to see if they were rising as they should - the only good indication that the baby was alive and thriving. I had to wait an excruciating 30 hours to hear from my doctor's office with the results. When I finally got them on Tuesday, December 9, they hit me like a freight train: my levels had dropped. The pregnancy was not viable. I was losing my baby. I had a decision to make: miscarry naturally at home or have a D&C.

I opted for the D&C because I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I had the surgery the next day, on December 10. If I'd waited it out completely naturally, it could have taken weeks. Even with the assistance of medicine, it could have taken several days. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to mourn the loss of that tiny life inside me and heal. I also had Crohn's to think of, which has gotten so bad that I was having a hard time keeping food down and the thought of going through a painful miscarriage on top of that sounded miserable. But most of all, to be completely honest, I chose to forego the emotional toll I knew a natural miscarriage would have on me.

The D&C was easy. My doctor came in beforehand and prayed with Alex and I. The nurses and staff were so sweet and caring and were really considerate of the reason we were there. They put me under; I woke 45 minutes later (in pain, but speedy drugs to the rescue!) and went home a few hours later. I rested for the next several days in bed where Alex played nurse in the most excellent way.

Emotionally, it has not been easy. While I am glad that I opted for the D&C, I am still (I'm only 8 days post-surgery) mentally tender and emotionally exhausted. I KNOW God has a very special plan for Alex and I and our family. I know that this baby was not meant to be - on earth, anyway. I am so relieved to know that I CAN get pregnant. But I am devastated. I cry at the most random things. Some moments I'm pissed at the world. I wonder, why me? why us? why not this baby? But you know what? It doesn't matter. God took me to this place for a reason. He will lift me out of it, too.

Needless to say, we're ready to bid farewell to 2014 and are SO hopeful for 2015! I know that there are great things in store for us. We may not have a baby in 2015, but I do believe that we will be closer to becoming parents. Right now, it feels like we're starting over but hey - that's OKAY! A new year is the perfect fresh start. Bring it on. Right now, I'm focusing on healing physically and emotionally and getting Crohn's under control.

I hope that I haven't depressed you a week before Christmas, but I thought it was important to openly talk about my miscarriage. About 50% of women will miscarry at some point, and no one talks about it. You may know a few people who have miscarried, but I promise you know a TON more who have experienced loss and never told you. I know it makes me feel better to have friends and family coming out of the woodwork to tell me about their losses - and to see them now with a few cute, healthy kiddos they're hauling around town, frantically trying to finish their Christmas shopping! It will happen. I know it will. I have faith. And it's going to be worth the wait.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

xo
KH

How I was (finally) diagnosed with Crohn's Disease

I bet you are soooo excited to read this. I mean, that is one sexy post title, eh? But seriously, I have been meaning to write a post on Crohn's and what it's like for me, since I was recently diagnosed in December after trying to figure it out for 15 months. Crohn's is something that can easily go undiagnosed because it has so many similarities to other diseases, or it's just chalked up to having a sensitive stomach. Warning: this post is lengthy and gets a little graphic! :)

Looking back, I have probably been having symptoms of Crohn's for several years now, but they were few and far between, and I always assumed my stomach hurt or was upset due to something I ate. We all get tummy aches, right?

I was a newlywed when I realized it had to be more than just something I ate. It was September (we got married in July) of 2011. The symptom that tipped me off was that I was bleeding every now and then when I had a BM. I had noticed it for a few months, and I thought it was just a fluke or maybe I was straining (sorry to be blunt). I mentioned it one day to Alex - what a super-sexy newlywed convo that was! - and he was like "What? You're bleeding? That is not normal! How long has this been going on?" I sheepishly admitted that it had been happening for a few months, albeit rarely, but it was starting to be more common. I told him I had also been having some stomach pains for a few months, but I had assumed it was due to stress and nerves surrounding the wedding, and the very, very stressful job I had at the time. That week, I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist that a good friend recommended to me.

Thank the Lord my friend warned me of what was probably going to happen at that first appointment! As soon as the doc heard "bleeding," he wanted to take a look. And probe. It was unpleasant/awkward/embarassing to say the least. He then said I needed to start with a colonoscopy to try to nail down what was going on.

In October 2011, I had my first colonoscopy. If you haven't had one, you really should go get one for the hay of it - it's so much fun! Ha. Actually, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I was, however, the youngest person in the endoscopy center by at least 30 years. After the scope, when I was still high from the anesthesia (thankfully the hubs was there to listen!), my doc told me that my bowels looked fine but that my rectum looked irritated, which he called proctitis. He prescribed a smattering of oral meds and suppositories to combat it. None of them worked. And some of that stuff was crazy expensive, even with insurance. Meanwhile, my symptoms were showing up more and more frequently as the months (and different medications) went on.

In May 2012, I started tracking my calories and getting real about losing some of the Newlywed Nine that I had put on (thanks Sandals, the "Luxury (aka a million calories) Included" resort!). I was sticking to a pretty strict, but healthy, diet. A typical day was oatmeal for breakfast, an apple, yogurt, and triscuits for lunch, and a balanced dinner with lean meat and a lot of veggies (esp. broccoli, my fave). Then the craziest thing happened: as I started to eat "better," my symptoms were quickly becoming the worst they had ever been. By the end of May, I was showing symptoms every single day, for pretty much all day. I was miserable.

What were my symptoms, you ask? I was bloated, horribly. Like, I looked pregnant. My stomach hurt and I had abdominal cramping. I sometimes felt like I had a baseball stuck under my rib cage. I felt like I was going to have a BM about every hour, so I would rush to the bathroom and only bleed. I was bleeding so much that it was scary. I was either constipated, or couldn't stop going. I started getting really nauseous throughout the day and a few days, I vomited in the morning before work. By the end of the month, I had to stay home from work for a few days even though I had just started a new job. If I hadn't just started a new job, I would have probably been at home in bed for the last solid week of May.

By the night of May 30, I was in a bad, bad place, y'all. I felt bad enough that I thought I needed to go to the ER or at least Urgent Care, but as luck would have it, I was uninsured for one day and one day only that year: May 31. Because I has just changed jobs, my old coverage was for only 30 days after my last employed month (until May 30), and my new coverage was starting June 1.

I stuck it out and went to the ER the morning of June 1. I decided to go to the Emergency Room for a few reasons: my gastro had not yet found that I had anything to worry about with his diagnostics so far, so I thought maybe it was something else entirely, like my appendix or gallbladder. Plus, I thought that since my gastro hadn't figured it out, maybe a fresh new set of eyes would.

I told the ER doc my symptoms, but all he seemed to hear was that I was vomiting in the morning. He was convinced I was pregnant. Sorry dude, but I was on my period at that very moment so I was most definitely not with-child. He ran a series of tests, including lab work and a CT scan, and told me that everything looked "normal." He sent me home with a few prescriptions for pain killers and anti-nausea meds. I felt so defeated though because I knew the symptoms I was experiencing were NOT "normal."

I went to my gastro a few days later, and he was concerned that I was bleeding so much and had a lot more pain. He put me on Prednisone, a steroid, to help with the inflammation in my intestines that was believed to be causing the problem. He told me that if I wasn't feeling better by the end of June, that we would do another colonoscopy.

But the Prednisone worked really well, and within 2 weeks, almost all my symptoms had subsided. I cancelled the colonoscopy. Then my gastro suddenly retired, and I was assigned another doctor in the practice. For the rest of the summer, I felt okay for the most part because I was still on the steroids. But when I started tapering off of them in late August, the symptoms slowly returned again.

By late September, I was feeling pretty bad again. The symptoms escalated again and, although hard to believe it, they seemed even worse than the last time. Alex was adamant that I go to the ER for a second time one Saturday night. They pretty much did the same as last time: more painkillers and more anti-nausea stuff, but they also put me back on Prednisone for a quick 4-week round. I called my gastro that Monday and demanded that I have an endoscopy along with the colonoscopy that was already scheduled for October. After some begging, he agreed to do it.

In October, I was just finishing the second round of Prednisone when I had my second colonoscopy and first endoscopy. When my doc came to chat after the scopes - again, when I was still high - I was downright elated when he told me he'd spotted lots and lots of ulcers in my upper GI tract during the endoscopy. So everything wasn't "normal" after all! Ha! The ulcers explained some of my symptoms. But still, he needed to see how far into my small intestine the ulcers went to determine the cause.

Next up? A capsule endoscopy, where you literally swallow a camera the size of a large pill and it takes video and images of your digestive track allllllll the way through until you "pass" it. It was a little disturbing to swallow a little camera that had a blinking light on it, but alas, it did its job. And its job was to diagnose me with Crohn's.

A few weeks later at my follow-up, once my doc had time to review the "footage" from the capsule endoscopy, I could tell my doc didn't want to say it. He was so nice about it. But he ended up blurting out, "The capsule showed what looks to be classic Crohn's." And there it was. What I had been expecting for awhile. Regardless of the fact that there is no cure and it never goes away, it was a form of relief that I felt. [Side note: because of all the bleeding that had been going on, I had developed acute anemia - my Hemoglobin had dropped to 7 - and had to undergo a series of four 4-hour-long iron infusions as a result. One thing leads to another!]

My doctor started talking about treatment options, and about how our goal was to achieve remission. He was sweet and apologetic, and conveniently left out that about 75% of Crohn's patients have surgery at some point. I went home with a bunch of brochures on my treatment options and another appointment scheduled for the beginning of February, when I would have to make the decision.

We [me, Alex, my doctor, and his nurse] decided to go with the middle-of-the-road treatment, Humira, a biomedic. It's a subcutaneous injection that I give myself once every other week. No biggie (even though it sure is hard to push that button to inject myself!). The downside of biomedics is that they basically shut your immune system down, since that is essentially what is attacking your GI tract. So that means you are susceptible to diseases and sicknesses like whoa. And you are at a greater risk of serious illness, like lymphoma. But hey - every medicine has risks these days.

I am also trying to figure out the foods that negatively affect me, since every Crohn's patient is different. So far, I have identified two things that I need to steer clear of: red wine (sadly) and anything that is high in fiber. Usually, high-fiber foods are good for the digestive tract, but for me, it accelerates digestion and causes all my symptoms to flare. When I discovered this, I realized why I started feeling so bad back in May of last year: I was basically on a super high-fiber diet, with all the oatmeal, apples, and broccoli I was eating! And now it all makes sense.

Since December, I have been careful to stay away from red wine and foods that are high in fiber. And I have now been on Humira for about 8 weeks. I can honestly say that I feel better. I am starting to taper off a few of the other meds I'm taking, with the hope that I can eliminate some or all of those eventually. I think I am heading toward remission. I sure hope so. 

My biggest fears about Crohn's? That I will have to have surgery one day. That I will have a flare during a big vacation. That I will feel miserable when I am pregnant. That I will be a slave to Humira (or whatever other drug) forever.

But it could be a thousand times worse. I am so thankful that this disease it treatable and not life-threatening. 

I hope this has shed some light on the yuckiness of this invisible disease. If you have had any of those symptoms, it is worth a trip to the doc to check it out. I wish I had figured it out sooner.

And seriously: a colonoscopy is not that bad.