Our Palm Beach Babymoon

{This post is now over a month late but...better late than never!}

While we were in Florida with my family for Thanksgiving, we decided to take advantage of the proximity to Palm Beach and take a little Babymoon! To be fair, it wasn't a true babymoon because A had to work some during the day. BUT because he was technically on a work trip, we were reimbursed for our hotel - so that worked out!

He was recruiting at a junior tournament held at the classic PGA National Resort and Spa in Palm Beach Gardens (which is only an hour 15 minutes from my hometown), so we were able to enjoy the Palm Beach life for a few days of luxury.

Our first night there, we went to an amazing Italian restaurant that had gluten free pasta, so I was able to enjoy my favorite kind of food! 

The first morning, I spoiled myself with room service since A had to get up early to work. 

It was rough on me ;)

While A recruited that day, I spent most of the day at the PGA Spa indulging in the Mommy-To-Be package: a prenatal massage, facial and pedicure. Heavenly!

The second night, we splurged on a fancy night out in Palm Beach proper at The Breakers. If you've never been, you've got to make it there - especially if you're a Lilly Pulitzer lover! That's where it all began! The resort itself is like stepping back in time. (Side note: we were there the day after Sophia Vergara had her wedding there, so we got to peek at her reception room. Gorgeous!)

At The Breakers with actual breakers behind us!

Such a beautiful Florida classic

Apps at the Henry Flagler bar before an incredible seafood dinner

In the lobby (those flowers - gahhhhhh!)

The second and final morning, we went to brunch at an authentic Irish pub before heading back to my hometown. 

We had such a nice time eating, drinking (well, drinking for A), relaxing and celebrating this baby! I am so glad we squeezed in this quick Babymoon between my baby shower and Thanksgiving: it gave us the perfect little getaway, just the two of us! Although we probably won't have another vacation alone for some time, that's okay with me: it won't be long until we're doing real "family" vacations and I can't wait!

xo
KH

Favorites from our pregnancy announcement beach shoot

Sharing my favorites from our beach shoot a few weeks ago! We wanted to have pictures taken while we were down at Edisto Beach, a beautiful and old-fashioned type of beach destination. It's a special place to Alex, as he grew up going there every summer with his grandparents, and it's become dear to me, too.

An update on me (and the baby fever that won't go away)

Taking things to a serious level today. But before I get into this, I want to say thank you. Many of you have been so sweet to think of me, pray for me and offer well wishes after reading about our sad time at the end of last year. And that is how I shall refer to it from now on because I am hopeful and determined that the sad time is behind us and we are moving into a brighter, happier time!

Because I never really wrote about my path to pregnancy before our loss, I'm going to start from the beginning and catch you up. Really put alllll my personal business out there because that's what we do, right?

Here's a timeline:

• July 9, 2011: we got married!! Best. Day. Ever.
• July 2013: we take a dream vacation to Italy. This is our last major "before babies bucket list" item: check!
• November 2013: I take my last birth control pill. Getting excited!
• December 2013: we officially start trying for baby Hamilton!
• February 2014: I start "charting" (taking my temperature every morning to chart my cycle) and taking ovulation tests to make conception more likely. 
• September 2014: I have a conversation with my doc about our attempt at baby-making. According to my charts, my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and a period) seems to be too short to sustain a pregnancy. My NP is skeptical that I'm ovulating at all and recommends I start Clomid if I don't conceive that month. (If you don't know what Clomid is, I'm a little jealous! It's a drug that induces ovulation for women who may not be ovulating.)
• October 2014: I start taking my first round of Clomid that cycle. The side effects - hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain, acne - are just lovely. But totally, 100% worth it. 
• November 20, 2014: I get the surprise of my life when, at the doc to get a Clomid refill after Round One, I find out I'm pregnant. I'm out-of-my-mind happy. I tell Alex that night when he gets home and we laugh and cry! We tell our parents a week later on Thanksgiving. 
• December 7, 2014: at 6 weeks pregnant, I'm bleeding. I go to the ER and they tell me there's a 50% chance of miscarriage. 
• December 9, 2014: blood tests for hCG confirm I am losing the baby and the pregnancy is not viable. I choose to have a D&C. 
• December 10, 2014: I have a D&C. I am emotionally devastated, but medically, everything goes well.  
• December 22, 2014: at my post-op, my OB tells me I have healed fine but the pathologist is concerned that my pregnancy may have been a partial-molar pregnancy. The only way to know for sure is to see how long it takes my hCG level to hit zero. In the meantime, she says in no uncertain terms that I cannot, under any circumstances get pregnant again until we know the pregnancy wasn't molar (a molar pregnancy can be harmful to the mother because in rare cases, cancerous cells can form. A pregnancy could essentially feed any cancerous cells, thus the rationale for preventing pregnancy). Needless to say, I'm crushed. She said I might have to wait 6 months or maybe even longer before we can try again, which seems like an eternity. 
• February 2015: after several hCG tests, my levels have quickly returned to zero (the normal level of a woman who is not pregnant), thus indicating that my pregnancy was not at all molar. Praise the Lord! My OB gives me a Rx for Clomid again. Here we go: Round Two. 

And that brings us to now!

Don't you wish sometimes that you had a crystal ball and could get a glimpse into your future? To know how the story unfolds, or even just read a few critical lines in advance? For anyone who has tried to get pregnant - I don't care if you tried 2 months or 2 years - you know it is so, so hard to remain positive month after month. That when baby fever hits, it is relentless. Don't get me wrong: compared to many women, I haven't been trying that long at all. There are women who have been trying for years to have a baby and I am in awe of those women and their perseverance. In my case, I know that God sent me that baby at that time to ease my mind, because I was starting to go crazy. No, really.

Trying for a baby is without a single doubt the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Harder than the trials of dating and eventually finding my husband. Harder than grad school and then trying to find a job at the height of the Recession. Harder even than dealing with my parents' divorce when I was in high school. Trying for a baby will test you in every way. It will try your emotional strength and maybe even your faith; it will affect your marriage (in good and bad ways) and friendships (jealously is a terrible thing); it will occupy your every thought, making work or anything else darn near impossible; it will hold your future plans hostage (want to plan a vacation? You'll play "what if" until you go nuts). But I know this is ALL part of His plan. So that baby that we lost served an incredibly powerful role: it showed me I could get pregnant. It helped me relax. And it helped make me more aware than ever before that God is in control and He holds the blueprints for my life - not me.

So for now, I am trying to stay relaxed. Trying to remember that God's plan is perfect. Enjoying this precious season in life of just me and Alex before we have a family. Because I know in my heart that it will happen.

And if you're going through something similar, please know you're not alone.

Onto happier times! Best best is yet to come!
xo
KH

The couple that jumps together stays together

I just love when Valentine's Day falls on a Saturday! It just makes for so many good options for having a memorable love day. This year, Alex made dinner reservations at an awesome restaurant that we'd been wanting to try since we moved to Columbia. Since he made plans for the evening, I told him not to make any plans on Saturday morning because I had a special date in mind.

Getting ready to get our jump on!

Face it: nothing says "I love you" like a a trip to the trampoline park! I'd been only one other time with my work peeps, but A had never been. As you can imagine, the place was crawling with kids. And we were definitely the only adults there who were not supervising their children. Luckily, our "flight time" was early - 10:30 - before the absolute gaggles of children arrived. However I still managed to knock down one small child. (Gotta learn at a young age to stay in your own trampoline square, kid!)

Taking it back to my cheerleading days

A trampoline makes you feel like a kid. Very therapeutic!

Catching our breath

Free jumping: so fun!

After we jumped for a solid 40 minutes, we were wiped! It is a huge workout that will leave you out of breath. Or maybe that's just me...at any rate, I was sore the next day in my shoulders of all places! Even though our tickets allowed us to jump for an hour, 40 minutes did it for us! We left just as dozens of kids were piling in - good timing!

We grabbed a post-workout (since that's what it felt like) lunch and did some errands before heading home. Our dinner reservations were early (6pm) since A had to leave earrrrrrrrrly on Sunday morning to go to Florida on a recruiting trip. We laid around the house and recovered from our jump session until it was time to head to dinner

Columbia skyline from across the river, where the restaurant was

Dinner at Terra was absolutely divine and mad props to my husband for calling more than a month in advance to get us reservations! You don't understand: we've tried to eat at Terra several times for different special occasions, and we've either tried to go on a day they were closed or we couldn't get reservations. So the hubs didn't take any chances, and I'm glad he didn't!

When we came home from dinner, we opened gifts and toasted to each other: prosecco for me, espresso for him.

And of course, Valentine's Day wouldn't be complete with snuggles from Penny and Ellie. These girls make me smile every day, and nothing makes me feel more loved than when they greet me at the door!

Alex and I had such a fun day together. I love that we both planned parts of our date day, and the fact that it was Valentine's Day made it even more special. So blessed to have a husband that is not only my Valentine, but my best friend.

xo
KH

A year of loss

**WARNING: this is not a happy post. But it's true, it's very real and it's from my heart. I wanted to share because this is a topic that often goes un-shared, un-discussed and un-mentioned. Maybe you needed to read this today, for yourself or for a loved one. I hope it finds its way to someone who needs it. 

When Alex and I look back on 2014, I hope we think about our life in Columbia...maybe our vacations to Chicago or Pebble Beach...or that I turned 30. But I'm afraid we might think of 2014 as a year of loss.

The tidal wave of loss started in August. Alex's Mimi, who had been ill for some time with dementia and Parkinson's, left this world. We were saddened but knew it was coming, and when she died, we knew she was no longer suffering. In some ways, it was a bittersweet relief for we knew she was so much better off in heaven.

Then, a few weeks after she died, Alex's Papa (Mimi's husband and Alex's last living grandparent) found out he had untreatable, widespread cancer. He had not been overly sick - just weak (and brokenhearted), but the cancer diagnosis quelled his will to live and fight - and who could blame him? We lost Papa in September just 1 month and 1 day after Mimi passed. His death was more sudden and shocking: just like that, Alex's mom had lost both of her parents in 31 days and Alex had lost all of his grandparents.

October seemed to be going alright until my grandmother had her knee replaced at the ripe old age of 87. Now, not many folks elect to have total knee replacement at that age, but she wanted to - said she had a lot of things she wanted to do! The surgery went great, and she was healing wonderfully in rehab. Then, out of nowhere, she caught pneumonia while still in rehab. She was admitted to the hospital. Within two days, she was moved to ICU and had a mild heart attack due to the stress on her heart caused by her labored breathing. She died on Sunday, October 26. I was in shock. How could this happen? My Grandma was sharp as a tack, in great health and a reasonably young 87. I took the loss incredibly hard (and am still taking it hard): I was very close with her. We emailed (yes, emailed) on a regular basis. She called to chat about football games. I inherited a lot of my hallmark traits from her, like bargain shopping and organization. She was the first grandparent to lose, which just opened a fresh wound for me and a haunting realization that I'll have to go through this three more times for three people I'm equally close to. I still can't believe she's gone.

November came fast and brought with it a slew of activity, mostly work related. I'd started to have another Crohn's flare (the 3rd or 4th of the year), but I really didn't want to start prednisone again because, quite frankly, taking steroids is no fun at all and causes me to blow up like a balloon, have a ferocious appetite, and most importantly, jacks with the timing of ovulation. Yep, we've been trying to conceive for a year now so our world pretty much revolved around ovulation (fun times!!). I'd also started taking Clomid that cycle (which makes your body ovulate - my doc prescribed it because my progesterone was slightly low. Also, it's an excellent first line of defense if the horrid label of "infertility" is getting near as it's super cheap and easy). I didn't want to undo the hard work Clomid was doing by taking prednisone, so I asked my gastroenterologist for a milder med to treat the flare. I knew I was taking a risk that my flare could get worse, but I was bound and determined that nothing else was going to get in the way of having a baby.

With the grief from my grandmother's loss, the stress from work and the Crohn's flare, I knew November was a gonner for us in terms of conceiving. But God has a funny way of showing us just exactly how in control He is. I found out I was pregnant on Thursday, November 20 - at my OB-GYN's office! I was there because I *thought* I'd started my period, so I was going to get another round of Clomid. The nurse did a pregnancy test (just in case) and lo and behold, it was positive.

I was in SHOCK. I mean, shock I tell you. I had to wait ALL DAY LONG to tell Alex because I wanted to tell him in person that night after work. I surprised him with a gift - a little onesie and my positive pregnancy test - when he got home that night. You know that country song, "Laughed Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean, where he talks about trying so long they almost gave up hope and they find out they're pregnant and they laughed until the cried in the kitchen? That was us. Laughing, crying, looking in amazement at that positive test (actually, two tests - I'd taken another when I got home). We felt so blessed, so unbelievably grateful that I'd conceived after 11 months of disappointment.

SO HAPPY!

surprise!!!

girls, you're gonna be big sisters!

Just a week later was Thanksgiving, and A's parents were going to come to my mom and stepdad's cabin for the weekend. We knew that even though it was really early, it was the perfect time to tell them since they'd all be together (we FaceTimed my dad and stepmom, who were in Florida). And I could not keep a secret like that from my mom for long!

Right before Thanksgiving dinner, I told everyone we were going to  play the "What are you thankful for?" game and I'd placed a message in a little box for everyone to read aloud. Slowly, they began opening and reading the tiny pieces of paper: "I"m thankful to become a Grandmother!" and so forth. The reactions were priceless. Tears, laughter, hugs, handshakes. It was everything I ever hoped it would be. This would be the first grandbaby on both sides. Finally!

the place setting...holding a secret!

my mom's surprise

my brother and our parents with their notes! 

our family

A week later, I was 6 weeks pregnant and starting to feel the joys of pregnancy. Food aversions, extreme tiredness (not helped by giving up caffeine), and even a little nausea. Crohn's had continued to get worse and I was worried that it would hurt the baby, so my GI put me on 20mg of prednisone which had some risks to the fetus but my health was seen as more important. It wasn't helping, and my symptoms were getting worse.

A few days later, on a Saturday night, I started to bleed. Not much, but any time you see blood when you're pregnant, you naturally freak out. Then I started cramping: again, not horribly, but the combo was unsetting. We decided to go to the ER to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and for peace of mind.

After 6 awful hours in the ER (including an ultrasound that literally lasted one hour), there was no conclusion. The doctor said that they hadn't detected a heartbeat, but at 6 weeks along that was hit or miss. He said some women have bleeding and cramping and everything turns out fine, while others will eventually miscarry. There was really nothing to do but go home and rest.

The next Monday morning, I had my hcG levels tested to see if they were rising as they should - the only good indication that the baby was alive and thriving. I had to wait an excruciating 30 hours to hear from my doctor's office with the results. When I finally got them on Tuesday, December 9, they hit me like a freight train: my levels had dropped. The pregnancy was not viable. I was losing my baby. I had a decision to make: miscarry naturally at home or have a D&C.

I opted for the D&C because I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I had the surgery the next day, on December 10. If I'd waited it out completely naturally, it could have taken weeks. Even with the assistance of medicine, it could have taken several days. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to mourn the loss of that tiny life inside me and heal. I also had Crohn's to think of, which has gotten so bad that I was having a hard time keeping food down and the thought of going through a painful miscarriage on top of that sounded miserable. But most of all, to be completely honest, I chose to forego the emotional toll I knew a natural miscarriage would have on me.

The D&C was easy. My doctor came in beforehand and prayed with Alex and I. The nurses and staff were so sweet and caring and were really considerate of the reason we were there. They put me under; I woke 45 minutes later (in pain, but speedy drugs to the rescue!) and went home a few hours later. I rested for the next several days in bed where Alex played nurse in the most excellent way.

Emotionally, it has not been easy. While I am glad that I opted for the D&C, I am still (I'm only 8 days post-surgery) mentally tender and emotionally exhausted. I KNOW God has a very special plan for Alex and I and our family. I know that this baby was not meant to be - on earth, anyway. I am so relieved to know that I CAN get pregnant. But I am devastated. I cry at the most random things. Some moments I'm pissed at the world. I wonder, why me? why us? why not this baby? But you know what? It doesn't matter. God took me to this place for a reason. He will lift me out of it, too.

Needless to say, we're ready to bid farewell to 2014 and are SO hopeful for 2015! I know that there are great things in store for us. We may not have a baby in 2015, but I do believe that we will be closer to becoming parents. Right now, it feels like we're starting over but hey - that's OKAY! A new year is the perfect fresh start. Bring it on. Right now, I'm focusing on healing physically and emotionally and getting Crohn's under control.

I hope that I haven't depressed you a week before Christmas, but I thought it was important to openly talk about my miscarriage. About 50% of women will miscarry at some point, and no one talks about it. You may know a few people who have miscarried, but I promise you know a TON more who have experienced loss and never told you. I know it makes me feel better to have friends and family coming out of the woodwork to tell me about their losses - and to see them now with a few cute, healthy kiddos they're hauling around town, frantically trying to finish their Christmas shopping! It will happen. I know it will. I have faith. And it's going to be worth the wait.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

xo
KH

I'm 30!

On September 3, I crossed over into the scary, unknown world known as My Thirties.

To be honest, I was dreading this birthday. Here's why:

• It felt like my youth was literally slipping through my fingers. Like I had squandered the last 10 years, the period known as "My Twenties/Supposedly the Best Years of My Life" - did I make them count?
• At 30, you can't get away with being a young, naive fresh-from-college girl who's still learning what she wants in life.
• 30 sounds old (well...compared to 23, amiright?)
• And to be perfectly honest, I thought I would be a mom before I turned 30.

In the weeks leading up to this day, I was struggling, y'all. Which is so, so stupid - I mean, it really is just a number.

BUT - thanks to my husband, mom, and friends, September 3 came and went without much pain. Instead, the day brought me a lot of laughs, big smiles, and an overwhelming feeling of I am blessed.

The week started off strong: Sunday night, I got back from Pebble Beach, and Alex arrived home with the team Monday morning. We went straight to my in-laws house (about an hour a way) to pick up our dogs and visit, then headed back to Columbia for dinner. Alex had made reservations for us, which I knew about, since we were planning to eat with my mom and stepdad the next night (birthday eve) and Alex would be at another tournament the night of my actual birthday. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling too hot (Crohn's and travel don't play well), and I told him "I don't think I want to go to dinner" - we were both exhausted and I honestly just wanted to crawl in bed with takeout. Alex boldly said "If you really don't want to go, we won't go" - but something in his voice told me he really wanted to go. So we went!

And I am SO glad we did! He surprised me with 4 of our friends at dinner - two of which drove from Greenville just to surprise me! I was so happy to celebrate with friends, and the fact that Alex planned it and pulled it off made it 10x better!

Love these people!

On Tuesday, I had to go back to work (going back to work after a sweet vacay AND the day before your birthday is pretty rough). I knew my mom and stepdad were coming up from Florida that night en route to their cabin in NC, and Alex was going to grill out for us. I was excited to see my mom, as I hadn't seen her all summer. As I'm driving down our street, I see all these bright pink plastic flamingos...and thought "Whose yard is THAT?!" Yeah, it was ours. I had been flocked! I died laughing because I knew my mom had done it. Everyone in the neighborhood kept slowing down as the drove by, and my neighbors were probably praying the birds were not a new permanent fixture!

Mom is photobombing

Alex grilled us an amazing meal, then I opened presents (a day early, but I wouldn't be able to celebrate with Alex the night of my birthday since he had to leave for another tournament). My mom decided to give me 30 presents to celebrate the big 3-0, one of which was the flamingos (I'm now the proud owner of 30 of 'em - let me know if you need to borrow one). Another was this beautiful Le Creuset Dutch Oven!! I cannot wait to make some yummy fall and winter meals in that thing!

Please note Alex's decoration on his back.

Alex surprised me with all kinds of goodies: an espresso maker, a bathtub wine/book/candle caddie, and a set of golf clubs! It only took him 7 years, but I guess he's ready to make his wife a golfer (or just look like one).

My face. LOL.

He also gave me a very special gold coin that belonged to his grandmother, who just passed away a few weeks ago. He had it set into a pendant for me. I love sentimental gifts, and the thought he put into that was sooooo sweet.

We celebrated with cupcakes (mom made butter pecan with cream cheese frosting - delicious) and I blew out a candle and made a wish. Thankfully, I didn't have to blow out 30 candles. That could have been disastrous! 

Last pic at 29!

Because Alex had to hit he road on Wednesday (my actual birthday), we went to lunch with my mom and stepdad before he left town. That night, mom and Dave took me out to dinner, making it three consecutive nights of birthday celebrations!

Right around the time the clock struck 8:31pm and I became 30

When we got home from dinner, I decided I needed to make another wish, just in case the one I made the night before didn't count.

Making a wish!

Between the dinners and cupcakes and gifts and birthday cards and texts and phone calls and Facebook posts, I felt so incredibly loved! I have to admit that a few weeks into thirty I'm still a little freaked out that this is my age, but it's not so bad. I felt - and still feel - overwhelmingly blessed to have all that I do. No matter what this year or this decade might bring, I will embrace it!

Cheers to my first thirty, and to my next thirty years! The best is yet to be!

xo
KH