The calm before the kid

This is it: we're heading to the hospital tonight. For the last few days, I've been simultaneously running around like a mad woman doing last-minute prep and trying to relax and enjoy the calm before baby. 

Since my last day of work before leave was last week, I have been home all week which has been so nice. At first, I didn't want to take a second more of my leave before baby than absolutely necessary as I knew I'd want and need every second of leave with Hope. But it has been wonderful to have this time to get things done and to just enjoy. 

Some of the things I've done in the last 72 hours:

Made hospital staff goodie bags from Hope! 

Finished the nursery - finally! 

Dinner and a movie date night with the hubs! (So necessary) 

Practiced getting a "baby" in and out of the car seat - Penny was very interested and at one point, got in the carrier and would not get out! We also washed the couch and draped it with sheets to keep it free from pet hair until we get home! 

Packed our hospital bags! Left to right: A's bag, our essentials and snack bag, my suitcase (with Hope's stuff inside too), and of course - the car seat. I tried not to overpack but there's just so much to consider! 

I've also tried to take some downtime for myself as much as possible, but this  Type A gal plagued by nesting wasn't likely to do too much of that! The highlight has been that I've actually slept pretty well the last few nights and have been able to sleep in...for the last time in who knows how long! 

Now I'm counting down the minutes until it's time to go to the hospital. We're to check in at 8 to get the process started. So many emotions right now: excited, anxious, nervous and a little scared. This pregnancy has been full of so many ups and downs, I'm ready for the ultimate reward and blessing of holding my daughter! We ask for your prayers as we enter a life-changing experience tonight. 

xo

KH

Five on Friday: Birthday Edition

Happy Friday!! So many things to be happy about today, one of which is of course that we're heading into a long weekend! And another is that it's SEPTEMBER: my favorite month. September brings my birthday, college football, all things pumpkin and fall, and (fingers crossed) slightly cooler weather. What's not to love?

Yesterday was my 31st birthday and even though I had to work, it was a great day! Hubby made it extra special for me and I went to sleep last last thinking about how good life is.

ONE.

I started my birthday yesterday morning with a quick photo shoot with my bump and my pups. Yesterday was a weird day, since I had to work and then it was game day for the Gamecocks and everything in Cola shuts down! But it was still a great birthday spent with thoughtful coworkers, festive friends and a sweet husband. Alex took me out to lunch and then I got off work a teeny bit early to run home and throw together an app for a football watching party at some friends' house. 

TWO.
When I got home from work, Alex surprised me with flowers and a sweet little birthday set-up in the kitchen (note the sweet potato, representing baby!). He also wowed me by swiffering, vacuuming and mopping the floors: acts of service is my love language, y'all. Best gift ever!

THREE. 
As quick as we could get there, we headed over to watch the Gamecocks with some friends (6pm kickoff on a Thursday is tough to make!). I brought some de-alcoholized wine so I at least felt like I was part of the festivities! And A had picked up some seriously delicious Gluten Free chocolate cupcakes from Whole Foods to share with the gang. 

FOUR.
When we got home late after the game, I opened my gift from Alex: these gorgeous Pandora stacking rings! I love that I can wear them alone or a few at a time. Guess I need to get a manicure now!

FIVE. 
The best part of the day was falling asleep and feeling Baby H moving around in there! The last 3 days, I have finally felt the baby and known for sure that it's the baby (not food digesting or gas, ha!). He or she has been so active and it's amazing to feel that little babe from the inside! Life is so good and we are  so blessed.


Happy Labor Day weekend!
xo
Kristin  

Linking up with

 April, Christina, Natasha and Darci! 

Favorites from our pregnancy announcement beach shoot

Sharing my favorites from our beach shoot a few weeks ago! We wanted to have pictures taken while we were down at Edisto Beach, a beautiful and old-fashioned type of beach destination. It's a special place to Alex, as he grew up going there every summer with his grandparents, and it's become dear to me, too.

Friday favorites

It's here, friends: Fridayyyyy. I have been exhausted all week, most likely because of the jam packed weekend we had on Florida for my cousin's wedding. There just aren't enough hours in a day - or days in a weekend.

A few things that are making me smile this week:

One. I got to spend some QT with my cousins last weekend. They are so special and dear to me, and since we're spread over 3 states, we don't get to see each other often. We just have a blast when we're together. And our little "baby" cousin Katie was an absolutely gorgeous bride!

Two. I planted a garden a few weekends ago and I any wait to take advantage of some of my homegrown goodies! So far, everything is thriving...we'll see how long that lasts with my black thumb! 

Three. My Lilly came in! And almost everything fit! Happy day! 

Four. I've found some new Gluten Free treats lately: New Gist GF beer and Udi's frozen pizza crusts. So good for a cheat meal!!

Five. I'm so thankful for encouraging friends who send me uplifting messages and share things like this blog post with me. It really makes all the difference to have a support system! 

Happy weekending! 

xo

KH

Linking up with

 April, Christina, Natasha and Darci! 

The best St. Pat's ever

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I'm doing a little Take Me Back Tuesday (is that a thing?). I'm taking it way back to 2007. Let me set the stage: I'd just graduated from undergrad at UF in December '06 and moved to Chicago in the middle of a blizzard in February like a crazy person.

Penny and I were living in the most adorable studio apartment in The Loop. I didn't have my car there - it was left behind at my mom's in Florida - and I walked or took the train everywhere. I was living the big city, professional life from the movies and even though I could basically only pay my rent and nothing else on my paid internship hourly rate, I loved everything about living there. I was only in Chi Town for a few months before returning to sunny Florida for grad school.

The view from my apartment. LOVE.

Penny and I have been through it all together! Ah, to be 22 again (and for Penny to be 2 again)

Just a few weeks after moving to Chicago was St. Patrick's Day. Everyone at work kept saying how amazing St. Pat's in Chicago was. I heard stories of a green river, green beer, green everything as far as one could see. I was pretty excited, and even more so that my mom and her friend Tom were coming to visit that weekend to see what the fuss was all about. 

Mom and I got into the festivities

amid the masses

Up to that point, every single St. Pat's of my life had been spent in Florida where it was warm enough to swim. We lucked out that March 17 fell on a Saturday that year but didn't get so lucky with the weather: snow. It actually wasn't all that cold (relatively speaking) and only snowed for a little bit but it was still a shock to this Floridian girl's system. 

The dying in progress

We got up early that morning and hit Michigan Ave with about a hundred thousand other people and headed for the river. I couldn't wrap my mind around how they were going to dye the Chicago River green but wanted to see them do it. The secret? Leprechauns in boats. Naturally. (Ok, maybe not leprechauns - who am I to assume?)

Me, Mom and Tom

Chicagoans get into St. Pat's like no one else I've ever seen. It wasn't difficult to find a green beer at 9am to accompany my coffee. There was actually an Irish pub on the street level of my apartment building and another just down the street, so that was convenient. I actually wasn't much of a beer drinker at the time so it was more about the people watching for me. And the people did not disappoint.

There were girls dressed up in tiny skirts and and homemade shirts that read "Erin Go Braless" among other more, er, scandalous things. How they weren't freezing their you-know-whats off, I'm not sure. There were men who'd been drinking all day a-la bachelor party style, ogling the minimally-dressed girls. Then there were a lot of people like us just trying not to step in the questionable puddle on the street (is that beer or...?) and get to the front of the next beer line. The closest thing I've seen to this city-wide party is a Saturday night on Bourbon Street in NOLA.

Anyway, suffice it to say: it was a ton of fun. I haven't had a St. Pat's that entertaining since, and I'd love to go back to Chicago for another round! (Would make a super fun girl's weekend or Bachelorette party!) In the meantime, I'll continue to wear my green every March 17 and reminisce about my days in the Windy City.

xo
KH

Weekending and GSD

Sometimes, you need a weekend to GSD (get sh-t done). While this wasn't necessarily the most productive weekend I've ever had, I do feel that I crossed a lot of my "to-do but don't want to" list.

My Fridays are now all about errands. I try it do all of my essential errand-running for the week on Friday when the masses are at work. Yoga, meeting the pest control guy, groceries, pharmacy, post office - all that fun stuff. 

Friday night Alex and I had a date night in: he grilled steaks and asparagus, I made GF Mac and cheese, and we had some yummy wine while watching Mockingjay Part 1 (finally). I read the trilogy several years ago so I'm a little fuzzy on the details: was it similar to the book, or did it deviate? All I know is they are milking this Hunger Games franchise for all it's worth. I thought the movie was alright and I'm glad we waited to Redbox it instead of spending a small fortune by going to see it in the theatre. 

Saturday I got up and went to yoga in the morning while A packed up, readying himself for two back-to-back tournaments with the team. I swear I won't see him until April. Okay, not quite, but it feels like it. March is by far the busiest month of the year for collegiate golf which means I'm single-dog-momming it for awhile. 

After Alex left, I decided to work in the yard since the weather was absolutely gorgeous. What was going to be a quick rake turned into practically a backyard overhaul. I guess I was feeling motivated, because I ended up hauling about 15 wheelbarrow loads of leaves and such to the curb and before I knew it, I'd been at it for 3 hours. A warning, ladies: 90 minutes of hot yoga followed by 3 hours of intense yard work will leave you dehydrated. Fortunately we had some Gatorade so I avoided the worst (I know - that was really, really stupid not to drink enough water out there. Lesson learned). 

in case you needed to see my giant pile of  yard trash

After attacking the back yard, the girls and I watched THREE movies on Netflix. Three. In a row. I never, ever sit down and watch movies while doing nothing else and it was quite nice to relax with some wine.

maybe I should say that I watched movies - the girls napped. 

Penny is looking might dapper! Me notsomuch

Sunday was another errand and house stuff day. Like a fool, I'd made an appointment for Penny to be groomed Sunday morning at 9, not even thinking that it would be extra tough to get up because of the time change. So we - Penny and I - struggled to get out of bed and bust it up to PetSmart by 9. I thought I'd hang out near there until she was done because there are a lot of stores in that area. Another poor choice - nothing opens before 11 on Sunday. So instead I spent some quality time with my iPad in Panera.

In the P.M. I sweated my butt off at yoga and was energized after my class so I decided to handwash my car (added incentive: it was warm and sunny! A perfect day).

Sunday evening was spent updating all my clocks in my house - a task that takes 5 minutes but is such a pain, honestly. I was also preparing for the next two work weeks which will be pretty grueling by knocking out some personal to-do's (bills, ordering wedding gifts, etc) so I wouldn't be tempted to do that stuff at work. I love when I get to work on Monday feeling ahead of the game, don't you?

xo
KH

It's good to have goals! {2015 Resolutions}

Nothing like waiting until the last day of January to post my 2015 Resolutions, huh?

To be fair, I've had these written down since the 2nd. It's just taken me 29 days to get them up here.

The overarching theme for this year? Stress Less, Relax More. After the ups and downs of last year, my focus is to enjoy the little things and be thankful for what I have without causing myself undue stress (it's just my personality; I totally do this to myself.)

What do I want to do, remember, practice and make a reality this year?

Faith: 

• Read from a daily devotional or scripture-based book to start off each day. Make this part of my routine, like coffee. [I started Jesus Calling in January and really love it. It is such a nice way to start my day.]
• Find a church home for Alex and I: even if we don't officially transfer our membership from our old church in Greenville, I want to have a church that we call home here in Columbia.

Health and Wellness: 

• Go gluten-free for 30 days to see if it helps control my Crohn's Disease. If it does, keep it up! [Started this January 19 - so far, so good!]
• Do a 30-day yoga challenge in a quest for better physical and mental health. And better flexibility (I'm getting old). Again, if it helps and I feel better, make it a part of my regular routine. [Did this for January and LOVED it. Plan to continue!]
• Take matters into my own hands with my doctors. Be aggressive in being my own advocate for my health. 

Do things that I love:

• Leave (most of) the cleaning to someone else: use the Christmas money from mom for housecleaning to hire a monthly cleaning service so I can relax on the weekends! [Hired someone! She comes first week of February and I am SO EXCITED.]
• Do more things for me: take a break when I need one. Say no when I want to. Say yes when I want to. Take more bubble baths. Actually sit down and watch a movie now and then. 
• Get my craft on. I love getting crafty and don't make enough time for it. 
• Reward myself in healthy, productive ways (like a peaceful walk versus a snack). Make a concerted effort to relax in my "me" time. 

Things to check off the list:

• Take a vacation. Doesn't have to be anywhere crazy or grand, but taking some time to get away and recharge my batteries with Alex by my side will be nice. And who knows: it could be the last true vacation we take for a while, depending on how the baby thing goes!
• Get caught up on my scrapbooks! This means finishing my wedding event/party book (from 2011...), our Italy vacation book (from 2013...), our 2013 Year in Review AND our 2014 Year in Review. Whew. 
• Organize my life. I'm an organized person, but certain areas of our home (A's hunting closet; my craft stuff) could use some WORK. 

Family:

• Be a better wife: be more patient. Help Alex pack his lunch for work. Write love notes. See movies he wants to see. Give him words of encouragement. Love him harder. 
• Call my grandparents, parents and brother more often just to say hi. I wish I could pop in to see them but I live 2 states away so the phone will have to do. 
• Start a family. Really, this is not in my control. This is all the Big Guy upstairs. But it's still a goal, a hope, a dream, a plan of mine. It's highly likely we won't have a baby in our arms by the end of the year but I do hope we'll be on our way to a family, one way or another. Take baby steps - literally. 

Finally...

• Don't take anything for granted. If I learned anything from 2014, it was that life and everything in it is fleeting. What's here today can be gone tomorrow; what feels permanent is only really temporary. Spend quality time with my grandparents. Call my brother more to chat. Write more "just because" notes to people I love. Appreciate the job that I have. Enjoy the beautiful home we've created. Walk my dogs. Spend more time outside (but wearing sunscreen, of course!). Notice the small things and be thankful for them all.

Happy 2105! Now I'm going to get after the remaining 11 months ;)

xo

KH

2015: make it count!

I'm not sure of the last time I've been so happy to bid farewell to a year! While 2014 certainly wasn't all bad, the last few months of it were tough and trying and full of lessons. Through it all, I know I have been blessed beyond measure in more ways to count. I also know that God has a very specific and perfect plan for my life, and that my plan doesn't always match God's (an ongoing struggle for me to remember and accept as a self-proclaimed control freak). 

It's not surprising that I am incredibly excited to see 2015 arrive! I always have high hopes for a new year and see every New Year's Day as a new beginning. While I have some very specific goals for this year, I ultimately know that what I want and plan for my life isn't entirely in my control. I do, however, want to make it count and enjoy the small things along the way that together add up to one amazing life. I also know that God promises that the best is yet to come - a very inspiring and uplifting thought for this New Year's Day. 

Happy 2015!

xo, 

KH

A year of loss

**WARNING: this is not a happy post. But it's true, it's very real and it's from my heart. I wanted to share because this is a topic that often goes un-shared, un-discussed and un-mentioned. Maybe you needed to read this today, for yourself or for a loved one. I hope it finds its way to someone who needs it. 

When Alex and I look back on 2014, I hope we think about our life in Columbia...maybe our vacations to Chicago or Pebble Beach...or that I turned 30. But I'm afraid we might think of 2014 as a year of loss.

The tidal wave of loss started in August. Alex's Mimi, who had been ill for some time with dementia and Parkinson's, left this world. We were saddened but knew it was coming, and when she died, we knew she was no longer suffering. In some ways, it was a bittersweet relief for we knew she was so much better off in heaven.

Then, a few weeks after she died, Alex's Papa (Mimi's husband and Alex's last living grandparent) found out he had untreatable, widespread cancer. He had not been overly sick - just weak (and brokenhearted), but the cancer diagnosis quelled his will to live and fight - and who could blame him? We lost Papa in September just 1 month and 1 day after Mimi passed. His death was more sudden and shocking: just like that, Alex's mom had lost both of her parents in 31 days and Alex had lost all of his grandparents.

October seemed to be going alright until my grandmother had her knee replaced at the ripe old age of 87. Now, not many folks elect to have total knee replacement at that age, but she wanted to - said she had a lot of things she wanted to do! The surgery went great, and she was healing wonderfully in rehab. Then, out of nowhere, she caught pneumonia while still in rehab. She was admitted to the hospital. Within two days, she was moved to ICU and had a mild heart attack due to the stress on her heart caused by her labored breathing. She died on Sunday, October 26. I was in shock. How could this happen? My Grandma was sharp as a tack, in great health and a reasonably young 87. I took the loss incredibly hard (and am still taking it hard): I was very close with her. We emailed (yes, emailed) on a regular basis. She called to chat about football games. I inherited a lot of my hallmark traits from her, like bargain shopping and organization. She was the first grandparent to lose, which just opened a fresh wound for me and a haunting realization that I'll have to go through this three more times for three people I'm equally close to. I still can't believe she's gone.

November came fast and brought with it a slew of activity, mostly work related. I'd started to have another Crohn's flare (the 3rd or 4th of the year), but I really didn't want to start prednisone again because, quite frankly, taking steroids is no fun at all and causes me to blow up like a balloon, have a ferocious appetite, and most importantly, jacks with the timing of ovulation. Yep, we've been trying to conceive for a year now so our world pretty much revolved around ovulation (fun times!!). I'd also started taking Clomid that cycle (which makes your body ovulate - my doc prescribed it because my progesterone was slightly low. Also, it's an excellent first line of defense if the horrid label of "infertility" is getting near as it's super cheap and easy). I didn't want to undo the hard work Clomid was doing by taking prednisone, so I asked my gastroenterologist for a milder med to treat the flare. I knew I was taking a risk that my flare could get worse, but I was bound and determined that nothing else was going to get in the way of having a baby.

With the grief from my grandmother's loss, the stress from work and the Crohn's flare, I knew November was a gonner for us in terms of conceiving. But God has a funny way of showing us just exactly how in control He is. I found out I was pregnant on Thursday, November 20 - at my OB-GYN's office! I was there because I *thought* I'd started my period, so I was going to get another round of Clomid. The nurse did a pregnancy test (just in case) and lo and behold, it was positive.

I was in SHOCK. I mean, shock I tell you. I had to wait ALL DAY LONG to tell Alex because I wanted to tell him in person that night after work. I surprised him with a gift - a little onesie and my positive pregnancy test - when he got home that night. You know that country song, "Laughed Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean, where he talks about trying so long they almost gave up hope and they find out they're pregnant and they laughed until the cried in the kitchen? That was us. Laughing, crying, looking in amazement at that positive test (actually, two tests - I'd taken another when I got home). We felt so blessed, so unbelievably grateful that I'd conceived after 11 months of disappointment.

SO HAPPY!

surprise!!!

girls, you're gonna be big sisters!

Just a week later was Thanksgiving, and A's parents were going to come to my mom and stepdad's cabin for the weekend. We knew that even though it was really early, it was the perfect time to tell them since they'd all be together (we FaceTimed my dad and stepmom, who were in Florida). And I could not keep a secret like that from my mom for long!

Right before Thanksgiving dinner, I told everyone we were going to  play the "What are you thankful for?" game and I'd placed a message in a little box for everyone to read aloud. Slowly, they began opening and reading the tiny pieces of paper: "I"m thankful to become a Grandmother!" and so forth. The reactions were priceless. Tears, laughter, hugs, handshakes. It was everything I ever hoped it would be. This would be the first grandbaby on both sides. Finally!

the place setting...holding a secret!

my mom's surprise

my brother and our parents with their notes! 

our family

A week later, I was 6 weeks pregnant and starting to feel the joys of pregnancy. Food aversions, extreme tiredness (not helped by giving up caffeine), and even a little nausea. Crohn's had continued to get worse and I was worried that it would hurt the baby, so my GI put me on 20mg of prednisone which had some risks to the fetus but my health was seen as more important. It wasn't helping, and my symptoms were getting worse.

A few days later, on a Saturday night, I started to bleed. Not much, but any time you see blood when you're pregnant, you naturally freak out. Then I started cramping: again, not horribly, but the combo was unsetting. We decided to go to the ER to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and for peace of mind.

After 6 awful hours in the ER (including an ultrasound that literally lasted one hour), there was no conclusion. The doctor said that they hadn't detected a heartbeat, but at 6 weeks along that was hit or miss. He said some women have bleeding and cramping and everything turns out fine, while others will eventually miscarry. There was really nothing to do but go home and rest.

The next Monday morning, I had my hcG levels tested to see if they were rising as they should - the only good indication that the baby was alive and thriving. I had to wait an excruciating 30 hours to hear from my doctor's office with the results. When I finally got them on Tuesday, December 9, they hit me like a freight train: my levels had dropped. The pregnancy was not viable. I was losing my baby. I had a decision to make: miscarry naturally at home or have a D&C.

I opted for the D&C because I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I had the surgery the next day, on December 10. If I'd waited it out completely naturally, it could have taken weeks. Even with the assistance of medicine, it could have taken several days. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to mourn the loss of that tiny life inside me and heal. I also had Crohn's to think of, which has gotten so bad that I was having a hard time keeping food down and the thought of going through a painful miscarriage on top of that sounded miserable. But most of all, to be completely honest, I chose to forego the emotional toll I knew a natural miscarriage would have on me.

The D&C was easy. My doctor came in beforehand and prayed with Alex and I. The nurses and staff were so sweet and caring and were really considerate of the reason we were there. They put me under; I woke 45 minutes later (in pain, but speedy drugs to the rescue!) and went home a few hours later. I rested for the next several days in bed where Alex played nurse in the most excellent way.

Emotionally, it has not been easy. While I am glad that I opted for the D&C, I am still (I'm only 8 days post-surgery) mentally tender and emotionally exhausted. I KNOW God has a very special plan for Alex and I and our family. I know that this baby was not meant to be - on earth, anyway. I am so relieved to know that I CAN get pregnant. But I am devastated. I cry at the most random things. Some moments I'm pissed at the world. I wonder, why me? why us? why not this baby? But you know what? It doesn't matter. God took me to this place for a reason. He will lift me out of it, too.

Needless to say, we're ready to bid farewell to 2014 and are SO hopeful for 2015! I know that there are great things in store for us. We may not have a baby in 2015, but I do believe that we will be closer to becoming parents. Right now, it feels like we're starting over but hey - that's OKAY! A new year is the perfect fresh start. Bring it on. Right now, I'm focusing on healing physically and emotionally and getting Crohn's under control.

I hope that I haven't depressed you a week before Christmas, but I thought it was important to openly talk about my miscarriage. About 50% of women will miscarry at some point, and no one talks about it. You may know a few people who have miscarried, but I promise you know a TON more who have experienced loss and never told you. I know it makes me feel better to have friends and family coming out of the woodwork to tell me about their losses - and to see them now with a few cute, healthy kiddos they're hauling around town, frantically trying to finish their Christmas shopping! It will happen. I know it will. I have faith. And it's going to be worth the wait.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

xo
KH