An update on me (and the baby fever that won't go away)

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Taking things to a serious level today. But before I get into this, I want to say thank you. Many of you have been so sweet to think of me, pray for me and offer well wishes after reading about our sad time at the end of last year. And that is how I shall refer to it from now on because I am hopeful and determined that the sad time is behind us and we are moving into a brighter, happier time!

Because I never really wrote about my path to pregnancy before our loss, I'm going to start from the beginning and catch you up. Really put alllll my personal business out there because that's what we do, right?

Here's a timeline:
  • July 9, 2011: we got married!! Best. Day. Ever.
  • July 2013: we take a dream vacation to Italy. This is our last major "before babies bucket list" item: check!
  • November 2013: I take my last birth control pill. Getting excited!
  • December 2013: we officially start trying for baby Hamilton!
  • February 2014: I start "charting" (taking my temperature every morning to chart my cycle) and taking ovulation tests to make conception more likely. 
  • September 2014: I have a conversation with my doc about our attempt at baby-making. According to my charts, my luteal phase (the time between ovulation and a period) seems to be too short to sustain a pregnancy. My NP is skeptical that I'm ovulating at all and recommends I start Clomid if I don't conceive that month. (If you don't know what Clomid is, I'm a little jealous! It's a drug that induces ovulation for women who may not be ovulating.)
  • October 2014: I start taking my first round of Clomid that cycle. The side effects - hot flashes, mood swings, weight gain, acne - are just lovely. But totally, 100% worth it. 
  • November 20, 2014: I get the surprise of my life when, at the doc to get a Clomid refill after Round One, I find out I'm pregnant. I'm out-of-my-mind happy. I tell Alex that night when he gets home and we laugh and cry! We tell our parents a week later on Thanksgiving. 
  • December 7, 2014: at 6 weeks pregnant, I'm bleeding. I go to the ER and they tell me there's a 50% chance of miscarriage. 
  • December 9, 2014: blood tests for hCG confirm I am losing the baby and the pregnancy is not viable. I choose to have a D&C. 
  • December 10, 2014: I have a D&C. I am emotionally devastated, but medically, everything goes well.  
  • December 22, 2014: at my post-op, my OB tells me I have healed fine but the pathologist is concerned that my pregnancy may have been a partial-molar pregnancy. The only way to know for sure is to see how long it takes my hCG level to hit zero. In the meantime, she says in no uncertain terms that I cannot, under any circumstances get pregnant again until we know the pregnancy wasn't molar (a molar pregnancy can be harmful to the mother because in rare cases, cancerous cells can form. A pregnancy could essentially feed any cancerous cells, thus the rationale for preventing pregnancy). Needless to say, I'm crushed. She said I might have to wait 6 months or maybe even longer before we can try again, which seems like an eternity. 
  • February 2015: after several hCG tests, my levels have quickly returned to zero (the normal level of a woman who is not pregnant), thus indicating that my pregnancy was not at all molar. Praise the Lord! My OB gives me a Rx for Clomid again. Here we go: Round Two. 

And that brings us to now!

Don't you wish sometimes that you had a crystal ball and could get a glimpse into your future? To know how the story unfolds, or even just read a few critical lines in advance? For anyone who has tried to get pregnant - I don't care if you tried 2 months or 2 years - you know it is so, so hard to remain positive month after month. That when baby fever hits, it is relentless. Don't get me wrong: compared to many women, I haven't been trying that long at all. There are women who have been trying for years to have a baby and I am in awe of those women and their perseverance. In my case, I know that God sent me that baby at that time to ease my mind, because I was starting to go crazy. No, really.

Trying for a baby is without a single doubt the HARDEST thing I have ever done. Harder than the trials of dating and eventually finding my husband. Harder than grad school and then trying to find a job at the height of the Recession. Harder even than dealing with my parents' divorce when I was in high school. Trying for a baby will test you in every way. It will try your emotional strength and maybe even your faith; it will affect your marriage (in good and bad ways) and friendships (jealously is a terrible thing); it will occupy your every thought, making work or anything else darn near impossible; it will hold your future plans hostage (want to plan a vacation? You'll play "what if" until you go nuts). But I know this is ALL part of His plan. So that baby that we lost served an incredibly powerful role: it showed me I could get pregnant. It helped me relax. And it helped make me more aware than ever before that God is in control and He holds the blueprints for my life - not me.

So for now, I am trying to stay relaxed. Trying to remember that God's plan is perfect. Enjoying this precious season in life of just me and Alex before we have a family. Because I know in my heart that it will happen.

And if you're going through something similar, please know you're not alone.

Onto happier times! Best best is yet to come!

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